Toe+Running+Light Inspirational Story+Fake Failed Movie Deal=Life (Not Quite …)

Posted by Will on December 18, 2009

Disclaimer: As with most of my posts, as most dear readers are aware of, I like to break up my writing in pieces. Meaning, I will hardly ever sit down and write and be done in one session. If the narrative seems disjointed or if a thought starts and suddenly stops, well, that is where I probably took a break. It gets worse when I come within paragraphs and try to add, which was the case today.

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This past Sunday was a culmination of a lot of pain, tears, sweat, and love. And I’m not even talking about the Jingle All the Way 10K.

It is not secret I have been mentally battling with getting back on track with running ever since what will forever be immortalized as the Summer of the Toe. I have known ever since we started training for the Marine Corp Marathon 10K (2008 edition) that running takes every bit of mental exertion as physical ability. Actually, I find that the psyche, fortitude, and resolve need to be stronger than the body.

Running is such a cerebral activity. It has its highs and it has its lows. I felt like I experienced more lows than highs this past fall. The only major injuries I have suffered to my physical body have been pulling my MCL to a near tear and then tearing the ligament in my left ring finger (you can actually still see a remnant of a suture right below the surface of my skin).

Compared to the medical history of some people I know, I feel like I have had a pretty clean sheet. Take the rest of my immediate family for instance. They’ve broken limbs multiple times, suffered from extreme back spasms, passed numerous kidney stones, battled foot problems (i.e. plantar fasciitis), etc.

This summer changed it all. I can not believe the transformation my toe went through (Brittany and I were reviewing, much to her disgust, the progression of my infection) in the past five to six months. I lost a lot of muscle mass in my leg being restrained to static positions for a good month (more on this later). I had to use crutches. I had to ride in a wheelchair through Hartsfield-Jackson. I have greater empathy and respect for people with physical disabilities. Not only was this ordeal physically corroding, but it brought down my frame of mind (I’m not so sure it made me irrational but it might have to some very small degree).

Early on in my recovery process, I was sure I was going to be able to recoup in time and be able to train for the Baltimore Half Marathon. Looking back now, it is to a degree of great comedy to reflect on my mindset. Seriously? Run double the distance you have been running the past year coming off a somewhat serious surgical procedure? Needless to say, I deferred my bib to 2010.

More detrimental is the mental setback I had. I could not even string together two miles without having to stop multiple times for walks. Instead of taking any steps forward, I felt like I was going backwards.

During runs, I feel like my head is in either in one of two places; one being focused on the actually running (form, posture, breathing, rhythm, etc.) and the other being on other things. First, it is almost impossible not to be in the first place. But, after you achieve whatever your internal benchmarks are, it is almost as hard not to slip into the second place.

I find that running lends time to reflect. Throughout my training runs I have felt strongly that this process of training and racing is so linked to our life process. Granted, you could turn almost anything into a metaphor but this one really hits home as it reflected the physical duress and mental trauma I had to overcome. It’s like one long crawl that you endure with success and failure. It’s how your run the race, not if you win or not (Lord knows I’m never going to win one of these races) that really imparts on your legacy, however big or small that is.

Where would I be without a partner in this mess? Brittany has been a constant source and even balance of encouragement and a firm hand in regards to putting myself back into the reality of the situation. Yes, I should continue to train on a consistent basis but the improvement is going to be slow. I was fooling myself to think I was going to be able to resume where I left off. I guess I can chalk this up to being (somewhat) youthful, brash, and dumb.

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